Monday, May 17, 2010

Daily 5 - Day 277

Today's daily 5:
  1. Sunshine
  2. Buying a wedding gift with mom
  3. a long advice filled conversation about some life changes with my parents
  4. being held
  5. knowing a weirdly deep peace in some very unsettled circumstances

After I Feel the Sun on My Face

Whenever I'm walking on a warm spring day, thankful that winter seems to have receded, a lyric that my friend Karla penned tends to come back to me, especially if it's been a particularly rough season of time.

Karla wrote, "And after I feel the sun on my face/ my soul, it will sprout again/ and I might become a tangled mess of love and fear and faith..."

I think of that line, and pray for sprouting.

I think of that line and remember a moment overseas, walking with a friend, when that lyric first hit me.  When I felt that stirring of growth within me, seemingly out of season.

I was thinking of both of those things today as I walked to get lunch and felt the sun on my face, restoring my exhausted body and soul.

I was thinking of how many things changed after that moment overseas, and how it seemed for a season that all growth had been snuffed out.

That there was only death and cold and winter.

I'm feeling the stirrings of growth within me again these days.

It's both a welcome and familar, and totally uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling.

I was reflecting that it seems to have been a long process of germination, these years of time between those first stirrings and now.  And how now I don't expect a sudden growth or sprouting, but more of a slow thing.  I believe that the sudden sprouting can and may happen, but I don't think I invest myself fully in expecting that anymore.

And maybe that's okay too.

Maybe that, too, is growth.

In any case, as exhausted as I am.  As challenging as some facets of life remain, I feel that stirring of growth.

And I welcome it.

The Practice of Awareness

I received the following in my email from Richard Rohr this morning, and really appreciated it:

All spiritual teachers tell us “DO NOT JUDGE.” For those of us raised in a religious setting, this is very difficult. In a strange way, religion gave us all a Ph.D. in judgmentalism. It trained us very early in life to categorize, label, and critique. It told us all about worthiness and unworthiness. This judgmental mind told us what is right and wrong, who is gay or straight, and who is good or bad. This sort of mind never creates great people, because everybody has to fit into our way of thinking. At an early age our grid was complete. We had decided who fit in and who did not fit in. We fashioned our own little world.


Christianity that divides the world in this manner and eliminates all troublesome people and all ideas different from our way of thinking cannot be mature religion. It cannot see the multiple gifts of each moment, nor the dark side that coexists with it. This mind does not lead us to awareness, and above all, this mind will find it impossible to contemplate. To practice awareness means you live in a spirit of communion; your world becomes alive and very spacious, and not divided by mere mental labels.
(Richard Rohr)

Exhausted

I'm tired this morning, and not feeling well.

My mouth aches.  I have two enormous canker sores inside of it.  I get them a few times a year, with no apparent rhyme or reason, though rarely do I get two at once.  In this case, they picked Friday to flare.  And they're bad.  My lip is swollen on one side, not so much on the other.

Sleep was kind of non-existent last night, in that way it sometimes is when you've been overstimulated for too long and your body and brain just can't shut down.  Three very long days of being with people were overstimulating for this introvert, and last night I paid for it with a lack of sleep.

I'm thinking this morning about an odd dream I woke from yesterday morning, before the wedding.  A dream in which my grandpa made an appearance.  That was something new and different.

I'm thinking about my brother's face as he looked into his bride's eyes yesterday and made vows.

I'm thinking about how we don't live in a culture that necessarily believes in permanence of vows.

But mostly I'm just tired.

Spent, emotionally and physically.

Happy to have been a part of such a special celebration.

And entirely relieved that it has come to an end.

That today can be about the mundane stuff of getting through a day at work, nursing a cold and my aching mouth.  About stopping at the library to pick up a new audio book, and starting at my finances.

That it only has one wedding related thing on the agenda, and that thing will be quick, and will include a hug from my mom.

I'm also immensely glad that I am only working four days this week, and that then I get a break.  I'll be staying at my parent's house, keeping an eye on things while they're out of town for several days.  And I'll be off work for most of the time I'll be there, allowing me to rest and relax, away from the stresses of my life at Grandma's.

I'm exhausted, but grateful today.