Thursday, August 20, 2009

Daily 5 - Day 9

It was another day (though less so than the last three) that made it hard to find joyful and thankful things. So, I pondered rather hard, wondering about some of the challenges of the day, and what there was in them to be thankful for. I came up with a few, and then, because I've had a lovely and relaxing evening, am able to add a few more to round out my daily list of 5.

  1. I am thankful that, on the days when I'm so scattered that I forget to pack food, or that I haven't grocery shopped, I am able to walk to any number of restaurants in a wide variety of ethnicities and styles of food, healthy and not, and feed myself. There are options, and that's something to be thankful for.
  2. I unpacked the last box tonight from moving. There is still sorting and a bit of cleaning to do, but it is nice feeling of accomplishment to know that I could finally mark "unpacking" off my to do list.
  3. I was able to care for myself tonight, and remember that caring for myself looks differently at different times. Sometimes it means stopping all activity. Tonight it meant accomplishing a fairly long list of little items that had been hanging over my head, but doing them at a leisurely and enjoyable pace.
  4. I'm grateful for clean sheets to crawl into on my bed later tonight and clean laundry, and a washer and dryer in my apartment. I'm remembering what it was like when I unexpectedly did not have access to laundry for nearly a month while traveling a while back, and how great it is to have things like fresh sheets every week, and clean clothes when I need them.
  5. Various products from The Body Shop made me smile tonight - a facemask, a shampoo and conditioner I love, my skin-care products and a number of other products that I use almost daily and am grateful for.
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Slightly Passive Agressive

I am having the sort of week where nothing that I rather badly need to get accomplished is getting finished because I'm being stopped every 10-30 minutes by someone who desperately needs my help with some project or other. This is the reason I shut myself into my office this morning to accomplish the one major task that absolutely had to be finished this week. In the meantime, the constant demands for help and attention, and the totally scattered way in which this week has progressed is wearing on my nerves and beginning to inspire profanity (yes, I do occasionally use profanity - though I'm trying to curb it again, a process I've gone through every couple of years since junior high school.)

I just lectured a photocopier. There was a paper jam that someone else didn't bother to try to clear before calling me. Once I'd cleared it, I had two immediate mini-jams in succession. So, as I cleared them I lectured the photocopier about how I had things to do, none of which were being accomplished this week, and could it please work with me. It's laughable, really, and absolutely passive agressive, but funny in a way, when you consider that due to the fact that I was the receptionist for two and a half years before taking my current position, I know the photocopier here so well that it is typically referred to by other teasing staff members as either my baby or my boyfriend.

And, to be quite honest, I felt a little better for that ridiculous moment of lecturing and passive agression. Maybe just because I realized the ridiculousness of it, became thankful that the day is very nearly over, and was able to laugh.

Trying hard

I spent the morning shut up in my office, doing math. Those of you who know me will know that I am NOT a numbers sort of person, and that two plus hours of calculations will have left me exhausted.

I realized as I got up to grab my lunch, that I'd been so distracted by other things (laundry!) this morning that I'd forgotten to bring anything with me. I didn't bring lunch yesterday, either, because we were out of groceries. And I have a standing lunch appointment on Fridays that also requires a purchase of lunch. So much for "not eating out" as a cost cutting measure. However, there is enough left over from today's lunch that I won't have to cook dinner tonight, or that if I choose to cook dinner, I can have leftovers for lunch or dinner tomorrow or Saturday. It hasn't been a great day food wise - I realized this morning that I'd purchased the wrong granola bars (my usual breakfast) at the grocery store last night, and am facing a week or two of eating the less preferable option to use up the ones I purchased.

Happenings around the office continue to be wild and crazy. I have a list of items that I'll need to discuss with my boss when she returns to the office on Monday. Most of them are challenges that I've attempted to address several times this week, and haven't been able to get answers on, so I'll need to push them up the ladder. This morning saw more frustrations as I realized yet again how many communication problems we have in this office, and how one staff member in particular just ignores them rather than addressing them.

I'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home tonight. My roommate has plans to be out for the evening, and I will probably enjoy the quiet. I'll likely pop a few episodes of "The West Wing" or the latest Rob Bell teaching dvd in my dvd player, and go about my evening. I have some writing to do, and some laundry. Various bits of cleaning, a few emails to catch up on, and, quite frankly a need to pamper myself a little and also spend some time reading.

I'm trying hard. That's the phrase that feels like it sums up my days right now. Trying hard to excel at my job, without getting sucked into the ever present swirl of very real challenges that inspire anger, frustration and stress. Trying hard to remember to hunt for the things that make me smile. Trying hard not to harbor anger. Trying hard to process the many deep things going on in my heart these days. Trying hard to choose life and joy and hope and peace.

Trying hard is pretty exhausting. I've been in bed before 10:30 two nights in a row now. (An unheard of occurrence!) It hasn't made a huge difference, given the odd sleep experiences I've been having again, but I figure every little bit helps, and I just haven't had the energy to keep going past that time.

Odd Night

I've passed a couple of odd semi-waking, semi-sleeping nights in a row.

I honestly can't say if what I'm experiencing are dreams. I just don't know quite how to categorize them quite frankly. I'm concious enough to know that I'm in my own bed. Awake enough to be aware when I've become uncomfortable and need to shift positions.

And yet, I'm somewhere else entirely.

And often aware of praying for the people and things I'm experiencing.

Sometimes this is a disturbing and restless thing, leaving me exhausted on waking. Sometimes it isn't. I like the nights when it isn't exhausting the best.

Ah well, on into the day. It's looking like I will be able to hole up in my office this morning and get some things accomplished without interruption. And for that, I'm grateful.