Thursday, June 21, 2007

Budgeting

I've spent the last little while looking at numbers. Trying to figure out a bit of an approximate budget for the next while, since I'm moving out and my expenses are increasing by quite a bit.

Honestly, I've gone out of my way for a very long time to avoid having to budget in a carefully planned fashion. I hate numbers of any sort. In fact, I'm on a quest to find a t-shirt I once saw in a store. It said "I'm too pretty to do math" on the front of it.

This is not easy budgeting to do, either, as I have no particular figures to base what the costs of things like food are going to be. I've never lived on my own - I don't know how to anticipate or figure out what the costs are going to be. I don't know what the incidentals are that I'm not expecting.

I'm hoping for a good raise at my job in September at my one year review. They're underpaying me quite a bit compated to the Calgary job market. I'd really like to stay - though I have a hard time with some of the people, I like my boss - we have a great working relationship. However, if I don't make a bit better money, I'll have to look elsewhere, a prospect I also don't relish...

Numbers are stressful. I think I'll probably talk through the whole budgeting thing with my mom when she gets home. This is ironic, as I've worked to keep her completely uninvolved in my finances over the last year. But, she's managed the family budget for years, and since this is very definitely not my strength, I'm going to get some help with it.

Off-Kilter

This has been a very disgruntled, off-kilter, uncertain couple of weeks, and this morning I’m feeling the effects of that.

I drank a cup of tea (passion tea from Starbucks – one of my favorites) and that seems to be helping.

My head feels stuffy – full of cotton batting. My brain is functioning very slowly, and I feel like I'm existing from one sugar rush to the next.

I am fighting off numerous little physical ailments – mostly stress related.

Overnight the poplar trees birthed cotton into the air, and my normal spring and summer allergies have stepped into high gear.

I’m moving in just over a week, and haven’t started packing. Time to get on that I guess. (Though the very idea of that is stressful at this moment.)

My parents come home tomorrow. One of the great ironies of my life is that I find it very difficult to live in my parents home, and yet, I can’t wait for them to be home this time. Partly because of the number of stressful life events that have gone on in the three weeks they’ve been overseas.

Because my parents come home tomorrow, my evening will be spent cleaning our house. It’s not terrible, but lots of little things. We’ve had company using their bed while they’ve been away, so I have to wash their sheets. I need to wash the towels in the bathroom, clean our fridge, put the clean dishes away, wipe the counters, clean the bathroom, and water the flower beds. I also need to clean my own space in preparation for packing and moving.

I’ve been hiding out in novels these last couple weeks. I think I’m on my fourth Harry Potter novel since a week ago today. Plus some other light reading and lots of mindless television in between.

I’m missing certain friends who are far away right now, and at the same time am kind of glad I don’t have to see them, as they tend to draw the honest things out of me, and the honest things in my life right now are pretty painful and ugly and fear-laced. They’re the reason I’ve been watching way more mindless television than normal and reading novels like they’re going out of style.

I’m having mood swings of immense proportions. From great excitement and jubilee to the pits of fear and exhaustion.

I’ve asked myself the “am I depressed” question with a lot more regularity these last two weeks.

I’ve worked to remind myself of the things that are beautiful, happy and good. It’s been hard to cling to them.

I’m hanging on to a promise that God gave to Abram in a vision – a promise that a friend prayed over me early this year, and that Jesus has confirmed over and over these last months. From this promise comes my tattoo idea (which is still being drawn.)

Genesis 15:1 – God’s Covenant with Abram
After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”

Growing Into the Truth We Speak

From Henri Nouwen today:

Growing into the Truth We Speak

Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.