Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Receiving and Giving

I wrote this last night, during house church.

Luke 6:38 (NLT) - Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full - pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and pouring into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.

There has been a shift in my life in the last month or so. Not necessarily a good shift. I have begun to resent God's call on my life to give - especially to such broken people. He has given me such a heart for the broken, but in the last while I have lost a bit of that. The heart is there, but I have begun to resent what it represents, what it calls me to. I have begun to ask God why I'm not receiving in return - when I will get my payback for what I have poured out, rather than simply being willing to obey and give. "Why aren't you seeing MY brokenness God? How come you're sending me to pour out my life for others and you're not sending someone to pour out their life for me?"

It's a very selfish sort of obedience. A grumpy following rather than a following with joy. A sense of "when am I going to get my just rewards?"

Father, I confess my selfish heart. I just want You. Soften my heart again. Restore within me Your heart. Let me see those to whom You ask me to give with Your eyes and not my own. Give me Your heart for the brokenness in their lives, Your desire for their healing. Forgive my selfish desires. Abba, I belong to You. I'm Yours. Wherever you want, wherever you say, that's where I want to be. I love You.