Thursday, June 29, 2006

Sitting and Thinking

I'm a bit tired today, drained from a week that has thus far been quite busy. I'm a people person, and I tend to pour myself completely into whatever person I'm spending time with at any given moment.

I also need lots of time alone, but that time hasn't been as restful lately. I spend quite a lot of my alone time shut in my bedroom, away from my family. It feels a little like hiding or prison, but is so much smoother and easier than the stress of spending tons of time with them and feeling that I need to defend the choices I'm making in life. When I was sharing my situation at house church on Tuesday, one of the guys mentioned that his sister and her husband are in a similar situation, living with her husband's parents for a time. I've thought of them this week, and prayed for an easing of tension, a calmness and peace.

I spent a chunk of the morning with a friend who is off to China in about two weeks, and is off to facilitate a kids camp for the next ten days or so. We caught up on each others lives, and took advantage of what will be one of the last two times we'll see each other before she heads for China and then returns to her home in Langley directly after China. She's one of the people I'm hoping to spend some time with when I hopefully make a trip to the West Coast towards the end of September. We met on my trip to Mexico, and have been together fairly regularly since. I value her friendship and thoughts highly - she thinks deeply and loves God wholeheartedly.

I just finished reading a book by Chaim Potok titled "Davita's Harp". A beautiful story, that poses uncomfortable questions. I loved the depiction of the history, the religious tension, and so on. It left a sweet if somewhat unsatisfied taste.

I find myself fascinated again recently by Judaism, and the Jewishness of Jesus. The depth that is added to scripture by a strong understanding of Judaism, by studying the Old Testament using Jewish sources, by recognizing that Christ was shaped by and spoke initially to a culture that is not "Christian" is fascinating. Been listening to some sermons by Rob Bell, reading some of "Velvet Elvis" and reading Potok's work. All of these are increasing my fascination. I think one of my next reads will be "Wanderings: Chaim Potok's History of the Jews."

I'm also loving the prophetic books of scripture at the moment. Reading chunks of Isaiah, and planning to wade my way through Ezekiel and some of the minor prophets again. The first time I read through the entire Bible I fell in love with Ezekiel. Seems funny to me now, but I loved it. I continue to be captured by Isaiah 61 - the message of redemption promised. I feel myself being pulled ever deeper into the things of God, the things He is speaking, and I am anxiously excited for what He reveals. I hunger for His words, for knowledge and understanding of that which He is speaking, to see His hands moving and join Him in His works.

I'm off soon for a short work shift at the Bay this evening. Had a job interview yesterday, and a couple scheduled for tomorrow. Still waiting for something to be provided. Still waiting for complete release.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Run Baby Run

I'm living in a place of tension at the moment. I'm tired, and a little frustrated, but so confident that God is working somewhere in this, that I am being obedient to Him.

As I drove to house church tonight, I was playing a Jason Upton CD again, just trying to soak for a while before entering house church which has been a place of tension and so on lately, and I've just been trying to spend the half-hour I spend driving there preparing my heart to meet God. Anyway, as I was driving, I was caught by the song "Run Baby Run." I played it over and over and over again. I must have listened to it 4 times on my way there, over and over, not really completely cluing into why this was significant.

House church was small tonight. We're in summer mode, and that means that people are all over the place. We spent some time simply sharing, and I ended up sharing with the group the tension in my family and home situation right now, and my need to find a job and buy a car so that I can move out of my parents home.

I've known for some time that God is continually calling me to deeper things. That He is placing before me the fulfillment of some of my dreams, that there is incredible freedom waiting for me on the other side of this time in my life, and that I will not be able to walk into these things while I am living in my parents home. I shared all of this, crying (which still always surprises me because it's still so new), and was prayed over, and am grateful.

But here's what became clear. I am living in a place of tension. I feel and hear God speaking words of release over me, over my life and my next steps. But I also feel that the push forward from God is being counteracted by the the grip of my relationship with my parents and brothers. So I am waiting, praying for the fulfillment of my needs as I posture myself to begin to take the steps God is asking of me.

I want to leave you with the chorus of "Run Baby Run" because I hear God speaking it so strongly over my life tonight. I had a picture earlier of the sense of God's release. Picture a child riding a two-wheeled bicycle for the first time. The parent steadies it, holds on, and then eventually lets go. But the letting go is not an abandonment, the child is not suddenly alone. The hands of the father are still there, still supporting, the father runs alongside to make sure the child is secure. I sense God speaking that kind of release over my life. Not a release where he lets go and I am suddenly alone, but a chance to fly, with his presence and support never wavering.

Run baby run
my hands release you
baby run baby run
just as fast as you can
run till your legs lead your heart to the real truth
youĂ‚’re my daughter, my son,
so run baby run baby run

Monday, June 26, 2006

Fantastic Day






Today was the best day I have had in a very long time. Megs and I spent the whole day together, driving, hiking, talking, eating, planning and scheming for ways to make the rest of the summer this fantastic. We drove the Highwood Pass - the highest drivable pass in Canada. You can see the summit sign here.

So, just to prove how fantastic it was (in case you don't see me before my "you missed some spots" sunburn fades), let me give you some pictures, and some commentary to go with the pictures.

This is us at the Esso station in Longview. We picked up some of the famous Longview Beef Jerky, and headed up into the pass from there.






This is Megs, by the sign for Pickle Jar creek. We're collecting funny signs this summer.








This is Ptarmigan Cirque.


















Here you have Megs sampling some of the ice cold mountain water, and a couple of the nicer scenery shots we took.

As we drove back to the city, we began scheming and came up with a list of ten or so things that we're going to do together (and with other friends if they'd like to join us) over the next three months. We're going to document each thing with pictures or journal entries, or both, and put together a scapbook of our summer. We've already started on the pages for today.

It was such a blessing and refreshment to spend this day in the the mountains with one of my closest friends. We talked about God and church last night, and life and boys, and food, and plans for the future. We schemed and planned fun for the rest of the summer, talked about bikinis, and even went shopping for bathings suits (she found one, I didn't yet...)

But we mostly just hung out, listened to each other, shared life, the things God is showing us, the things we want to learn and understand about Him, and enjoyed the freedom from distraction, the fresh air, the beauty of one of my favorite parts of the mountains, and the chance to simply be together. We got lost, at ice cream at a mountain store, ate beef jerky, ate a lot of apples and carrots, drank water from a mountain stream, listened to at least 5 different cds, saw a black bear, and a whole lot of big horned sheep, nearly swerved into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a gopher (her not me), hiked a six kilometer loop that climbed the mountain to the beautiful meadow and cirque and then wound its way back down, shopped for supplies for our scrapbook, learned how to upload photos from her camera to my computer and how to print photos from her memory card at Walmart, got sunburned, had Subway for dinner, went bathing suit shopping and so on. And the whole time we just caught up on each others lives, talked about the things we struggle with, and the things we're loving right now, caught up on each other's families and mutual friends. We had no time restraints, nothing to be back for, no schedule, and we loved every minute of it.

Praise God for the blessing of a beautiful day spent with friends!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Day Hike?

I forgot in my last post. A friend and I are planning to go hiking for part of the day on Monday in the Highwood Pass (weather permitting). If you've never been in this part of Kanaskis, it's beautiful. The Highwood Pass is the highest drivable elevation in Canada, and the road is closed for half the year every year because of the elevation and snowfall among other things. At the summit of the pass, there is a beautiful hiking trail called Ptarmigan Cirque. I've done it a couple of times in the past, and the elevation gain is challenging, but fairly easily accomplished if you go a bit slowly. I think even young children could probably do it - most of them being in far better physical condition than me!

If you'd be interested in joining us, drop me an email, or give my cell phone a call. As far as I know we'll probably head out sometime in the morning, hike the first half of the trail (the hard, uphill climb part!) eat lunch in the meadow on top of the mountain, then hike the second half and drive home to be back in time for supper.

loosey goosey liturgy?

I'm excited and a bit nervous for church tomorrow night. A good friend of mine, a girl I went to high school with has decided to attend church with me. Which is exciting, because so very few of my friends outside of church are truly interested in spiritual things.

This friend has always been what I would consider a "spiritual" person. And I'm excited that she's willing to come check out church with me.

But here's the thing. She was raised Roman Catholic. We met in a Catholic high school. (Now, I have a longstanding love and respect for the Catholic church born out of a variety of circumstances including my family connections, the time in the high school, and a bachelors degree in church history, all of which can be expounded upon some other day!) But I attend a Vineyard church.

She's used to liturgy, and I'm taking her with me to a church where the "order of service" is loosey-goosey at best. And I wonder a little if the things that used to shock me will surprise someone who is used to the set in stone liturgy that has changed little in the last 5 centuries.

But hey... I've assured her that she doesn't have to participate in anything that she doesn't want to, and we'll go from there. I'm praying that it will be a positive experience, and that she will connect with people in meaningful ways as she has mentioned boredom and loneliness after moving back to Calgary following five years of university in Ontario.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Thoughts on the run...

I've only got a couple of minutes. I'm in the middle of a stretch of full shifts at the Bay, and I have one in a couple of hours. Before that, though, I'm going shopping with a friend for bridal shower gifts.

The little boy I mentioned in my last post is home. The doctors think it was simply a severe virus as nothing showed up in any of their tests.

Haven't heard anything new about a job. I'll be in contact with the placement agency on Monday to see if they have anything on the horizon for me.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Interesting Days

It's been an interesting couple of days. Not interesting in the "major world shifting events" sense of the word, but interesting in the "lots of little things have happened that inspire deep pondering" sense of the word.

I spent a chunk of Monday morning playing with a beautiful little boy from my dad's church while his mom had a conversation with my dad. His parents are new believers, and face a number of challenges that would stress even the strongest person. All three of their children have a rare disease that creates a wide variety of serious challenges for them. Add to that the fact that they are the only siblings in the world with this disease (no other family has more than one child with this disorder), and that specialists in the field are rare, and you have an interesting combo. If you add to that the fact that the youngest one, the cutie I spent the morning with on Monday, is profoundly deaf, you have a combo guaranteed to make stress a daily reality. After he and his mom left our house, their family, and particularly him continued to be on my mind through the day and most of Tuesday.

Yesterday we got a phone call from his dad. The little one was taken to hospital yesterday, seriously ill. Today he's been somewhat stabilized, and they may move him from intensive care, but he remains extremely ill, and they're uncertain as to the cause. Funny how he was so heavily on my mind, in my thoughts and prayers, and the next day he was taken to hospital so very ill.

I had lunch with a friend on Tuesday as well. We talked about life and god stuff and boys. She's been a close friend for a couple of years now, and God has been doing some fun stuff in her life lately. We try to have a meal or coffee together at least once a week to stay abreast of what's happening with each other and with each other's families. We ran a couple of errands together, and then she headed off to work.

I also spent last evening with friends at a birthday party. I greatly enjoyed the chance to simply hang out with people who are new friends (I met most of them on my trip to Mexico) but who have quickly become deeply valued friends. I love how God connections can create deep and meaningful relationships with others - the central thing to both parties is Christ, and that binds hearts in a way that I've rarely encountered elsewhere.

On the job front, Samaritans' Purse called me yesterday. They gave the position I was interested in to someone else, but apparently enjoyed meeting me, and have asked to keep my resume on file for future positions. So I guess that's a good thing. I also had an interview at a placement agency this morning, and wow! I've interviewed at a few different agencies recently, and been assured that they could place me, and then never heard from them again. This agency set me up for an interview with a company this afternoon, and have promised that they will be in touch in the next few days with at least one or two more possibilities. Or, I could possibly have a job by the end of tomorrow with the company I interviewed with today. So, on that front, I'm encouraged where I had been quite discouraged. It had seemed that I was getting very little interest in my qualifications and resumes that I sent out, but today has lifted my spirits.

Other than that, I have little to report. I've found some images for my art project, but will probably still be looking for others. I'm reading a fascinating book titled "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell of the NOOMA filsm fame. He discusses the idea that our understanding of Jesus, of Scripture, and of Christianity must be informed by Judaism. Very convincing and interesting points. I've also downloaded a few of his recent sermons and quite enjoyed them. I've read my share of novels the last while, watched some television, a movie or so (Nacho Libre - very funny), sent a few emails, played a few games, and tomorrow I go back to the Bay for the rest of the week. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I am clinging to the hope of more interviews and the possibility that I will be offered a good job sometime in the next day or two!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Looking for photos

I'm in the middle of an art project again, and I could use some help. I'm looking for photos of people. Photos that display the depth of humanity in a person.

I'm working with a theme of the neediness of mankind - not just the refugee in Africa, or the victim of injustice in the middle east, but the day to day neediness. That person whose eyes just scream of their brokeness. The child who you look at and wonder what the deeper story is. The people you encounter every day in the mall and in the grocery store and library, and the street. So yes, I'm after some photos from around the world, but also pictures from the western world. The elderly, the abused woman, the oppressed immigrant, the crying child, the homeless man and so on.

If you have any photos that you'd be willing to send to me, or if you can think of a good place to look for pictures, leave me a comment here, or pop me an email at the address in my profile. Thanks!

Friday, June 16, 2006

Just for a moment

If you'll indulge me for one post, I'm going to be completely girly and vain. I LOVE my new hair colors. Yes, colors, plural. My hairstylist did a fantastic job, that was worth every penny of the rather pricy fee that I paid.

I now have what my dad referred to at dinner tonight as, "the tigress," while asking with some degree of incredulity, "is that red?"

And I love it! Blond and a deep coppery red streak my naturally brown hair and jump out to make something truly different and fun.

I love these moments when I feel really girly, and really good about my physical appearance. Just a minute ago I was wishing I knew some single guys, because tonight, I'd love to dress up and take my hair out for a spin. So, if you feel like going out tonight, give me a call!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Thursday night musings

I have a job interview first thing tomorrow morning. At a laser eye surgery clinic. It would pay really well. In fact, enough that moving out of my parent's home would become a viable possibility. And I would have benefits. I'm praying that the interview goes well and that I get the job.

To those of you who were wondering how work went these last two days, given how difficult it was last week, it was like a polar opposite sort of situation. Yesterday was very smooth... I spent a lot of time working on projects by myself, and simply worshipping God, humming and whistling, and meditating on the words of the songs I was so happily humming and whistling. It was almost pleasant to be there. Today was not quite as smooth - but again, I was mostly on my own, or training a new girl. I really enjoyed working with her - she's definitely a people person which will fit well in our job - introducing herself left and right, not shy. We shared a one hour dinner break, and talked about our lives. We even talked about things like sex (I'm waiting for marriage, and she's living with her boyfriend of five years), and faith. Not your usual first day conversations, but she initiated, and I was comfortable answering. Faith came up somehow, and she asked what "religion" I was, and I answered, and she made a statement that surprised me a little. She said "I'm a very spiritual person." Huh. Cool. I'm praying that I'll get a job soon and won't work at The Bay with this girl that much longer, but I'm also asking God for opportunities to talk more deeply about spiritual things with her in the time that I remain at the job.

And with that I'm off to do a bit of reading and head for bed. Job interview in the morning, and then a hair appointment - I'm getting hilites and lowlites put in and I'm very excited!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Untitled... because I can't think of a good title

I'm off to work in about an hour and a half. To be honest, I'm dreading it a little bit. I only work two shifts this week - today and tomorrow, but both are with my least favorite coworker.

But that's only part of why I'm dreading it. I'm dreading it because of the spiritual attack I faced in that place last week, and I'm wondering if I will continue to face it. When I spoke in earlier posts about the "heaviness" that settled over me as I entered the store, I was understating. I haven't felt that low, that worthless, that frustrated, exhausted and confused since the deepest parts of the depression from which God healed me. And when I would come out of the store and head home to regroup, it took quite a while for the residual effects to fall off.

And so, I'm going into these next two days with much prayer for my own protection, my ability to fight through the darkness. I'm planning to spend part of each of these shifts praying - whatever moments I can get alone, without things that need my entire concentration. And I'm asking God to make it smoother and easier, to guide my steps, to speak into my heart, to show me where He's working.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Front Step Reflections

Note: I wrote the following entry in my paper journal late last night, sitting on the front steps of my home, and scribbling away. I had felt drawn to be outside. Lately, the best times of communion with God at my home have nearly always been outside its walls in my front or back yard, with a book or a Bible or a journal or a pen. The weather here has been rainy, and I was uncertain that it would be warm enough for me to sit on our front steps and just think and write, but I was drawn to that place, to simply write, with no particular agenda or topic to discuss. And, you'll feel the shift partway through the entry as God begins to draw me into a place of memory and woundedness, confirming some things I had rediscovered the previous evening in conversation with a friend. This is perhaps the most blatantly honest and soul revealing thing I have penned in a long time, and I cannot take credit for it. I was simply drawn into it by a loving abba who realized it was long past time for these things to surface.

June 12, 2006 – At home, late evening

It’s a cool evening, after a rainy weekend, and I am sitting here on our front step in the gathering dusk, trying to jot down a few thoughts with no great purpose or depth. Just random observations about an evening that seemed to invite me outside to write.

I can hear the voices of some neighbourhood boys two houses up. They’re engaging in that oh-so-Canadian pastime of street hockey. Occasionally words are spoken, but all in all what I mostly hear is the dull clanking of their sticks against each other’s sticks, and against the asphalt street. Their running footsteps intensify occasionally, and the intensity of their game ebbs and flows. The concrete school across the street picks up and magnifies every sound of their game a hundred fold.

The yards are clothed in dusk, and aside from the hockey game, the streets are relatively quiet. An occasional car drives along the adjoining street, and every so often a bird sings to celebrate the end of the rainstorm.

A cyclist rides by, ringing her bell to alert the hockey players that she’s coming through, and I see the glow out of the corner of my eye as a light flips on in our house behind me.

The air smells fresh – that newly washed, after a rainstorm smell, slightly tinged with the aroma of the last lilacs of the season and the smoky scent of a distant fire.

The air echoes with the cry of “car” as two successive vehicles turn the corner onto our street, slowing as the hockey players make way.

The light in the house behind me has gone off again, and I am studying the shadows cast by the orange glow of the streetlight on the corner.

The air is cool and still. The smoky scent reminds me of childhood camping trips, of late evenings spent curled in lawn chairs in the gathering dark around a campfire as my dad played a guitar and softly sang old folk tunes. “Mr. Bojangles,” “The 59th Street Bridge Song,” “The Boxer,” “Annie’s Song,” and others. These are the soundtrack of my childhood, sung softly to a gently played guitar in my dad’s deep voice.

And suddenly I realize what this melancholy is that has driven me to sit here on our stone front steps and write. Last night I had a conversation with a friend. And he spoke truths that are breaking my heart. I made a decision that I will spend the next months working towards. I need to leave my parents’ home to be able to move deeper in my spiritual walk. I need to create distance to figure out how to move into new relationship with my family – relationship that will hopefully be healthier.

And I am sad at the thought of leaving the only home I’ve ever lived in. I’ve lived on this street I’m looking at tonight since my parents brought me home from the hospital nearly twenty-three years ago. And I’m afraid, a little.

There’s the other thing too. Sitting here, absorbing the evening and being transported back to all those evenings in the mountains as a child, I wonder how such love and such rejection can coexist in one relationship. For I have no doubt of the depth of my dad’s love for me. Although he rarely says it, it has been demonstrated in a thousand different ways over the years. And yet, we have no relationship.

I want so much for my daddy to be proud of me. To support the choices I’m making in life. To tell me that my choices have been wise, and that I have succeeded in following God’s call and my own dreams.

There are tears running down my cheeks now, and my eyes are burning as they pool. My body is trembling in the way it does when intense, unshed emotion is beginning to surface.

And tonight, I miss the little blond girl who wrapped herself in a blanket and curled so joyfully into a lawn chair, unencumbered by adult relationships and the tangled emotions that go with them, and simply looked with adoration as this daddy who she knew was perfect – a true dragon-slaying knight – and asked one more time for her favourite song, listening enraptured as he sang of the man who brought his wife “a daisy a day.”

And I wonder when he stopped slaying dragons and became instead the demanding taskmaster driving me to think about everything deeply. Challenging every thought and position I held. Questioning decisions and asking me to defend my choices. A strong moral force, but one I feared rather than desired.

And so my dragon-slayer was gone, and my mom became my rock, my confidant, at times the only friend that a socially awkward, deep-thinking, old-for-her-years adolescent had.

And that, too, had its own set of pitfalls. I clung to her, needed her desperately at a time when her own wounds were all she could manage. And so I began to bear those wounds as well. I am afraid of strange men, of physical contact with men because my mother was assaulted as a child, and my dragon-slaying knight stopped holding me as I grew older.

And today, when I no longer need my mom in the way I did at thirteen, or sixteen, or even eighteen, today she has found much of her own healing, she is stronger and wants to be involved in my life in much the way she was when I was thirteen and brought every thought, need or decision to her ears. She seeks to be involved in aspects of my life that are not hers to be part of.

The hockey game has finally wound down for the evening, and silence is descending on our street. The remaining light is quickly fading, and my emotions are still raw, but exhausted for this evening. The tears have dried on my cheeks and I am left with very little. I will leave this home as soon as it becomes financially possible.

And I wonder this, as I prepare to re-enter my home. When will the healing come that has been spoken over my relationship with my dad in particular? When will it come? And what will it look like? I had hoped to leave home with this area of my life resolved – on a happy note with adult relationship with my parents and siblings. And yet, it seems that I will leave with this bittersweet lack of resolution.

I’m excited for the new things that I believe God is drawing me out of this home to pursue. And yet, as I begin to prepare myself to leave, I know I am leaving wounded, with regrets that will not be satisfied…

And as I prepare to leave, I continue to beg God to raise up spiritual parents and mentors and friends in my life, to place them in my pathway as I journey.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Monday

Not a lot to tell you today. I continue in the vein of waiting. I made a decision last night that I will begin to act on quietly over the next while. Someday soon I'll tell you what it is, and why I made it.

Today I don't work, and I'm grateful. So I'm doing cleaning, and reading, and watching a movie or two in my basement. Oh, and dinner with a friend, to hear a God story from last week that I've been waiting to have time to sit down with her and hear.

This prayer was in my email this morning from the Moravians:

God, we are sinful and broken people, imperfect jars of clay, yet you have filled us to overflowing with your holy presence. Tune us to your will, Lord, so that through even our lives your perfect love might shine forth. Amen.

And this passage caught me last night at church (which incidentally was also full of my river/water/fire themes from the week):

When the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tongues are parched from thirst, then I, the Lord, will answer them. I, the God of Israel, will never abandon them. I will open up rivers for them on the high plateaus. I will give them fountains of water in the valleys. I will fill the desert with pools of water. Rivers fed by springs will flow across the parched ground. I will plant trees in the barren desert - cedar, acacia, myrtle, olive, cypress, fir, and pine. I am doing this so all who see this miracle will understand what it means - that it is the Lord who has done this, the Holy One of Israel who created it. (Isaiah 41:17-20)

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Still Pushing

I'm still tired. Still befuddled, still fighting. And committed to keep pushing through whatever this is. I'm grateful that tomorrow night is Converge, because it is often soul refreshing, and if not, well, at least I get to be with people I love!

I work tomorrow first - work is still hard. I don't want to be at this job anymore, and have struggled with discouragement among other things this week that I will never find a better job. Today at work was long. I didn't want to be there, didn't feel up to summoning the energy to fight the heaviness that has been sinking over my spirit as I enter. At least tomorrow's shift is mercifully short - four hours only.

Last night was restless - around 10:30 pm God started popping thoughts into my head. The whole theme of fire and water, of rivers and streams. I have pages of seemingly disconnected thoughts that I scribbled down as they came. Bits of songs and scripture, thoughts out of nowhere, things I've read. Every time I turned the lights out I needed to turn them back on and grab for the notebook I use for this sort of disconnected rambling and keep writing stuff down. I finally fell asleep with Jason Upton's "Mighty River" playing on the stereo beside my head.

And just before I woke this morning I had another vivid dream. It seems somehow to relate to the whole water/fire theme going on last night. Very odd, somewhat unsettling, so basically normal for me! You know, I used to only have these kinds of dreams once or twice a year. They've been happening once or twice a week for the last while. I've got to find someone to hang out with who is gifted in the interpretation of dreams, although some of them seem quite clear at times...

And with that, I'm off... I've got more to do with this whole fire and water thing... more rambling thoughts and research to do, and then it will be time to start at the beginning of the disconnected thoughts and begin to give them form and substance, to flesh out ideas, to breath life into the words, to pray them into clarity and meaning for my life. (Also, I think I'm going to go finish watching the first of the three Harry Potter movies I rented to watch over the next week!) And maybe some art... it's been on my mind all week to do something with art again. Plus, the mundane stuff of life like washing my hair, cleaning the bathroom, and laundry.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Fighting

I wrote a whole post with this title yesterday, but blogger ate it.

I feel like this week has been a fight. I can feel it in my body. I'm exhausted for no apparent reason. I've had headaches almost every day, and restless nights. As I'm sitting here to write my stomach is convulsing and the muscles in my lower back have knotted up. And all week I've wanted to cry, but the tears just won't quite come.

Looking back, I think I saw the battle coming on on Tuesday night. Funny, because Tuesday was a very peaceful day - the day I wrote about in my last post. I had some uncommonly honest conversations about spiritual things that day, and I know a few others did too. As I sat in my car and shared life with a friend into the wee hours of Wednesday morning I was praying silently for a conversation that was going on elsewhere, for nothing in particular and everything in general - my spirit nudged into prayer even as I spoke and shared some of my story with my friend.

Work has been central to whatever emotional or spiritual thing I've been fighting with this week. It's been harder than ever to go there. As I would walk into the building I quite literally felt heaviness and dread descending on my spirit. My brain was foggy and I made odd mistakes - nothing serious, just things that wasted time and energy. Sometimes I fought the heaviness, humming worship songs, meditating on their words and passages of scripture, and sometimes I just worked.

Tonight I'm tired. Still two work shifts to go. Six hours tomorrow, four hours Sunday. The week has been odd. Weird snippets of dreams. I've done a lot of thinking on the subject of good and evil. I've been reading through the Harry Potter novels by J. K. Rowling, enjoying them, but thinking deeply about the questions of good and evil they propose. They've even invaded my dreams at times, snippets of thoughts - conversations with characters from the books. Nothing I can remember when I wake, just the impression that I haven't been separated from the characters and thoughts even while I'm asleep. Every once in a while I stop ever so briefly and wonder when I became weird - odd dreams, God speaking to me for others, feeling everything so intensely, unable to escape words and themes...

The lines from Delirious? "Revival Town" that say "You let a broken generation become a dancing generation," have been floating through the mess of thoughts this week too. I think this statement so closely describes what God has done in my life, what I see Him doing in my generation, and in my church. I wonder sometimes if we have cycles of brokenness and cycles of dancing, or if we perhaps simply choose to dance in spite of brokenness. Because I feel more like the broken person than the dancer tonight, but I persist, because God is calling me ever deeper...

Been listening a lot to Delirious? this week, alternating them with the same Jason Upton CD I've been listening to for the last couple months and one or two others. Water imagery, images of nurturing warmth, and fire imagery have all been strong this week. Snippets of lines from different songs have been playing nearly unceasingly through my thoughts this week...

...Find me in the river, find me on my knees....
...Now I'm waiting if you please....
...We didn't count on suffering,
we didn't count on pain
but if the blessing's in the valley
then in the river I will wait...
...Jesus' blood never fails me...
...Where every woman, every son
will life high their chains undone...
... Don't be afraid of your blind belief
because the more you fly the more you'll see
you're not alone, you're not alone...
...They're calling me and they're calling you
from the cold hard facts that we're on our own
to the age old truth that we're not alone...
...A cloud by day a fire by night
I'll keep moving on
It may seem strange but I know it's right
I'll keep moving on...
...In the place of suffering there's a God worth worshipping...
...The Lord has a will and I have a need
to follow that will, to humbly be still,
to rest in it, nest in it, wholly be blest in it,
following my Father's will...
...So I have to find the river, somehow my life depends on the river
Holy River, I'm so thirsty...
...I'm so thirsty, I can feel it
Burnin' through the furthest corners of my soul. Deep desire, can't describe this
nameless urge that drives me somewhere
though I don't know where to go...
...I'm abandoned to the river and now my life depends on the river...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Yesterday

No, not the Beatles song, the actual day.

Yesterday was the fifth day in a row that I had off of work. It was the first day where I actually managed to rest. I woke up with a peace, a calm that had been missing for a while. I sat outside on our patio in the sun and read for a long time. Finished off a couple more chapters of Gary Best's Naturally Supernatural, and was very challenged by the large chunk of chapter three that he dedicated to discussing the prophetic. Understood a bit more about myself, and about some recent experiences, including those of Sunday night in reading this. God's timing that way makes me laugh - I've been putting off reading that bit for quite a while, and then, when I finally picked it up it definitely spoke some stuff I needed to hear - it was edifying. Read some more of the Gospel of John, sitting there in the sun too... Jesus preparing his disciples for the coming crucifixion. Wow.

I did some errands at a lazy pace, and spent the afternoon doing a bit more reading. Oh, and I sent out more resumes - hopefully I'll get some calls in the next couple of days.

I'm reading through the Harry Potter books at the moment. I know that the rest of the world read them quite a while ago - I remember their intense popularity when I was in high school, and that was a minimum of five years ago. But hey, I'm loving them. And the phoenix imagery - loving it too. The healing tears, the rebirth... yeah... so tied to what I've been thinking and praying through lately.

House church was somewhat uneventful for me at least. But afterwards I spent time catching up with a friend who'd been away at school and on a mission trip for the last year. We sat in my car until nearly 1 am catching up, talking and sharing God stories. It's fun to talk about being healed from depression with someone else who's also been freed from it. Someone who understands what it was really like, and knows the feeling of being truly grateful for the freedom. We talked a bit too, about some other situations I'm facing, and prayed together over our house church. So good.

And now, I'm off to work. Can't say I've missed it... where can I find a job that lets me do errands for a living, lets me take time to sit in the sun and read and hang out with God, lets me write and think at any moment the inspiration hits? Because let me just say that Bridal Registry at The Bay isn't going to be that job. I found out on the weekend that I could work as unskilled staff for 7-11 and make 50 cents more an hour than I make at The Bay, and get benefits. It is SO time to move on. Praying that God will provide a job soon - a job that excites and challenges me, that uses my skills, and pays my bills!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Just because it was fun...

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.
You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.
Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.
All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.
just for your info - I'm not a morning person! But the description does fit my personality, and if I ever manage to move out of my parent's home, I'll be more than happy to cook dinner for a whole bunch of you!

The things floating through my brain

I could tell you about a whole number of different things floating around my brain tonight... what the heck... I think I will!

  • First off, what's with everyone taking breaks from their blogs lately? I bet no fewer than three or four of the blogs I regularly check are on "breaks" or are "cutting back" on the posts they put up. Is this some strange new trend? Because what am I going to read, and how am I going to know what's going on in all of your lives if you all stop writing?
  • Yesterday was a bit of a day of rest for me. I spent the morning watching a movie, the afternoon reading and watching the end of a movie with my parents. Basically the idea was to engage in pursuits that didn't require a whole lot of active thought. A good friend challenged me a number of months ago to find things that would allow me to completely stop thinking about the things that consume me. She reminded me that it was quite unhealthy to focus as heavily on these things as I was, and pushed me to find ways to "stop thinking." So, I'm working at trying to do that regularly.
  • Church last night was interesting... don't really know what to say. I had a "unique" (read terrifying and completely exhilarating) experience during the ministry time afterwards. A friend caught my eye from where he was sitting with a few others praying over someone in our community, and sort of beckoned me to join him. I came over and he informed me that God had told him that I needed to pray for this person. I honestly thought he'd lost his mind, and this was the only thing that kept me from yelling at him. But he explained a bit, and as he explained, a question came to mind for the person we were praying for, and it kind of went from there... weird how God just sort of deposited some stuff, and led me to confirm some things that had been said before I joined them. I was completely convinced when I sat down to join them that it was going to be a really bad idea... that God wouldn't speak, that I would embarrass myself and the friend who was so sure God wanted me to pray, and the poor person we were praying for. Because God sure wasn't warning me that I needed to speak! But hey, He's faithful, and I'm even grateful to the friend who pushed me to step into a situation I would have never have entered without a push.
  • I listened to the Focus on the Family Radio Theatre version of C.S. Lewis' "The Silver Chair" this afternoon while I cleaned. I think I'm going to research and write a paper about that particular book in the Chronicles of Narnia... every time I read or listen to the dramatization of it I'm caught by the messages it portrays.
  • I finally cleaned my desk today. And my chair, and one of my dresser drawers. That means that I now have a place to curl up and read, a workspace on which to be creative, and space for my socks and underwear!
  • I cooked dinner tonight. I like to cook when it is an expression of something creative, and something new. So I pulled a recipe off the internet for pasta with tomato cream sauce, and modified it a bit. I ended up serving grilled chicken over penne with tomato-cream sauce, steamed asparagus in a sesame vinaigrette, and we're still going to have the coconut cream pie that was on sale at the grocery store for dessert.
  • I had a job interview at Samaritans' Purse last week. It was a position I really would have liked to get. But, it's been almost a week and I haven't heard back, so my hopes are pretty low. Back to the drawing board again. I guess I'll send out resumes again tomorrow and see if I get any hits.
  • I'm loving the Delirious? song "Revival Town" at the moment. Particularly these lines: "Hallelujah, You've turned my mourning into dancing" and "You let a broken generation become a dancing generation."
  • And with that I'm off to read for the evening, or maybe watch a movie, and definitely to indulge in some coconut cream pie!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Some Good Reading

Still working on writing a post that describes this week, but still needing to process, to think and pray a bit more before I really write it all out. So, in the meantime, I present to you my list of favorite blog entries or things I've read this week...

  • This post on Debbie's blog about her trip through the middle east. She's in Israel just presently, and had some interesting adventures involving Jerusalem, and a psychiatric hospital. (really, you should read all of the few entries she's made thus far - Deb writes with a deliciously humorous and readable style.)
  • This post on Kirk's blog. I've read it a whole bunch of times, bits and pieces, and the whole thing, over and over again. I got shivers the first couple of times I read it. It has been part of a number of things I've been thinking about and wrestling with this week.
  • This other post on Kirk's blog. I think I actually read this last week sometime. But I read "The Da Vinci Code" last weekend, Saturday and Sunday, and then either Sunday night or Monday night had an intense dream somehow marked by the "sacred feminine."
  • Other than that, I've been reading a number of books this week. A couple of novels - I particularly enjoyed "My Life as a Doormat (In Three Acts)" by Rene Gutteridge. I'm also working through a really excellent book by Mike Pilavachi entitled "Life Beneath the Surface - Thoughts on a Deeper Spiritual Life". Still reading Gary Best's "Naturally Supernatural," Steven Curtis Chapman and Scotty Smith's "Restoring Broken Things," Henri Nouwen's "The Wounded Healer," Dave Robert's "Following Jesus," and, of course, Scripture. I'm working my way through John just presently. I've been reading the Gospels since February - the Epic Retreat weekend. Falling in love with Jesus again - being baffled, amazed, confused, fascinated, and challenged by His life and the things He had to say. Also planning to start reading John Wimber's "Power Healing" in the next few days.
  • And, last but not least, I'm reading a book of selected writings by a twelfth century German nun and mystic named Hildegard of Bingen. Primarily the writings are of the visions God gave her -intense, beautiful and confusing, and the meanings she felt that He imparted to the things she saw. Something challenging in some ways in a week where I've had a number of spiritual dreams.

And with that, I'm off. Taking my time today and just chilling. Watching some television, doing some reading and possibly some writing. Hanging out with a friend this afternoon. I'm thinking that I'll spend part of tomorrow camped out in a park somewhere with my journal and my books and Bible, reading and hanging out with God. I'm all about the slow and lazy days of life - how can I turn time spent reading and writing and hanging out with people into a career?

Friday, June 02, 2006

A Dream This Morning

This has been a bit of a weird week spiritually - lots of intense dreams at night - not always retained, but the depth and intensity leave an impression, even when the images and words drift away. I'll write a proper entry later today or tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to put up a dream I had this morning. I woke up, and the image was powerful - God again sharing His Father heart with me indirectly, and whispering the words "You're not alone." I sat down at my computer right away to write this dream down before it faded. And, I thought I'd share it with you. I wrote down the somewhat skeletal version, not bothering to describe all the colors and details and so forth. My dreams are usually like full-color movies - things I watch - I am usually some sort of omnisicient figure - present and feeling what the characters in my dreams feel, but with knowledge that I (as Lisa) shouldn't have. Anyway, the dream...

I had a powerful dream this morning, just before I woke.

Let me give you a setting first. It seemed somewhat rural – fields of tall crops, gravel roads, barns and so forth. Probably turn of the century – some things fit very clearly into a time period of the nineteen twenties, some are probably closer to the nineteen fifties, some elements are clearly modern in nature.

There are a group of people, who, for a reason that isn’t immediately clear are trying to flee the community in which they’re living. They try a number of different methods of escape, but always find themselves caught as they’re leaving, and forced to stay within the community. It slowly becomes clear that part of what these people are trying to escape is a sense of religious oppression – the historical example that comes to mind is the pilgrims – fleeing their homeland in hope of freedom of worship somewhere else.

And then, there comes what is clearly their climactic escape attempt. It’s at night, and they’re moving through the fields, working to be as quiet as possible. One young woman manages to get into an airplane – serving as a distraction from some people who almost spot the rest of the community. She manages to escape, despite serving as a distraction, and leaves her child in the care of the other community members. Somehow it is known to me that it is her husband piloting the plane and spiriting her to freedom.

In order to escape the town, they must climb a gravel road up a steep hill, right next to the home of what is somehow associated as their pastor’s home. So they are climbing and slipping, and trying desperately to do this silently, but it’s a gravel road, and silence isn’t all that easy. As they summit the hill, and come around to the front of the house, as they’re just about to make their escape, the lights in front of the house come on, and there is the pastor, and his wife, and a number of other people from their community. Essentially, the plot is foiled once again and they will have to stay.

The pastor, standing next to his wife who is sitting and looking quite stoic, looks over the people caught trying to flee, and settles his gaze on the child who had been left by her mother. He asks her if she would like to explain what is going on that evening. Just as she is opening her mouth to begin speaking, her mother and father walk up the hill and join her. Her mother strokes her hair. Her father is this picture of strength and love. He has obviously been free from this community for sometime, and has now chosen to return and be with his wife and child. And so the girl begins to speak, “I don’t know why he came back tonight, except that I know that he loves me,” (and tears are running down her face now, but her face is overflowing with love, with peace and strength), “and I know that what He did tonight for me is the clearest picture of what Jesus did for this community and for me.”

And then I woke. “The clearest picture of what Jesus did for this community.” He took on human form, made Himself a peasant without citizenship in one of the most oppressive empires in history, and served humanity. He loved and poured Himself out. He gave His life for the world to demonstrate His love. He returned to oppression in order to demonstrate true freedom.